5.12.2012

Tammy Lucille Buhler

Mother, daughter, sister (twin).  Aunt.  My aunt Tammy.

April 30th she passed.  I have remained in shock for quite some time.  This was completely unexpected.

I traveled to Kansas for the funeral/memorial.  Her son (my cousin), Trenton, was there; I embraced him with such a severe lack of words.  Nothing but tears, really.  I met his wife, Jolene, of 8 months for the first time.  Sweet, sweet girl.

Grandma, Grandpa, aunt Terry (Tammy's twin), uncle Donald, Dad, uncle Curtis, aunt LaJean.  Many new relationships, many steadfast couples.  Cousins are so tall these days.

Slightly awkward, not knowing how to make light-hearted "how are yous" and "what's keeping you busy latelys".  The see-saw decisiveness between consolation and distraction...  There should be cue cards for these kinds of things.  What is there to say that hasn't been already said, anyway?  I know you need to process this; I know you need to get your mind off of this procession.  "I love you?", as I wrap my invisible arms around you, and wonder if you can hear me over the absence of her voice.

Understanding.  Compassionate.  Inquisitive.  Generous.  Hearty.  Joy-filled.  Patient.  Tender.  Tammy.

Jolts of electric and rude reminder - just when you think you've got time, you don't.  Not enough, anyway.  Mis-arranged to-do lists seem like such trivial mistakes.  At the time.

Driving up to Elgin myself for the first time showed me how easy it is.  We'll spend time on what we attribute the most value to - it is inescapable.  Upon recent review, my record sits uneasily with me.

Tammy.  My aunt Tammy.  You were loved, and always will be.

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