the problem of feeling things

The places you never thought you'd go. The thoughts you never thought you'd think.

You might go there. You might think something strange and illuminating.

I have a habit of examining the ends of my hair with harsh scrutiny whenever I feel mentally and/or emotionally and/or creatively overwhelmed. "Is that a split end? Not anymore. Because I am boss at removing split ends. I am a split-end master." If there's only one thing I understand about my life, it is how to deal with my hair. And then I feel in control.

The beauty of being aware of one's perma-embedded artistry is the ability to see and feel and hear so many things at one time. Even in a silent room, in your apartment, by yourself. The dilemma with this quality is that things rarely get sufficient attention individually, thus disabling them from reaching completion. This happens in an alarming percentage of my endeavors. For instance, currently:

   4. The song playing overhead is intriguing me. It's about life being too short for spending so much time fussing and fighting. And there's a carousel-type riff. This song has my attention.
   7. There is a tall, young gentleman nearby that I feel may be trying to catch my attention. I want him to fail, but as I am aware of him this keenly, I am afraid he has succeeded.
   2. A humble, slender vegan lad is nearby, and I am wondering if he has noticed that my belt is quite made out of leather. I'd hate to offend him.
   9. The girls studying across from me probably think I am strange with all of my looking up at the ceiling, looking at everyone around me, looking at the ends of my hair. This shouldn't be occupying my thoughts, but alas.
   5. There are too many sticky notes on my laptop that need my attention, and are leeching it out of me without my consent.
   1. A close relative is going through some major life circumstances, and I am processing how I can best be there for the person.
   8. The Man Who Was Thursday: A Nightmare is falling into the cushions of my chair and yelling to be read.
   3. The bagel dog I got at this coffee shop was far too small for my liking. I am distracted by my desire for another.
   6. An article about creative work and finding value in what you do (as well as doing something you find value in) is so intriguing and causing my feelings to practically pop with yes-ness. I know there's some kind of action it should spark, but I haven't figured out what that action is. My attention is devoted to discovering the application this article has for my life.

It's obvious that I am conflicted in determining which of these items deserve my attention at what time, and in what quantity they deserve it. I sigh involuntarily. (No, that is not a cliche. I actually and literally do not know that the sigh is coming. It comes, and then I notice it. This is not a pitiful attempt at sounding wistful and artsy.)

The writing of this post has apparently made it to the top of my priority list for the time being, but even that is only partially true, because I am also chatting with my close relative and reading the instigatory article about creative work. But I feel like the writing here has just happened all on its own, which typically means that it is perfect for the time being.

Here's to feelings.

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