new hair and a popped collar

Feeling today a bit like Eva Green in my pinned-up hair that could now pass for a bobcut. Images of her character, Vesper Lynd in Casino Royale, come to mind with my black wool collar popped. All I need now is a little smoky-dark eyeshadow, some racy black stilettos, and for my medium-length pea coat to turn into a full-length trench. Her style in that film was simultaneously breath-taking and simple, up to the point she wore the incredible evening gown, which could hardly be described as simple. Just goes to show that the way you wear an item largely rivals the importance of the specific item itself.

“Who is Edie Sedgwick?” <-- (title of my most recent miniature person-study [not to be confused as "miniature-person study"])

Loverboy is an anglophile, through and through.

In picking up the mail today, my arms already quite full of bags and creamed Earl Grey, a seemingly elderly chap in a (grey) plaid jacket offered to hold my tea while I unloaded the post office box, all the while warning me of his temptation to steal a sip. His adorable pretended gulping and swallowing sounds have definitely been the highest-light of my day yet.

As it turns out, Brazilian folks have access to cashew fruit juice, and apparently enjoy it very much. I didn’t even know cashew trees grew a juice-able fruit! A friend in the area tells me it’s his favorite.

I am very much looking forward to a lecture on quantum time-flow, physics, and theology this evening. Can’t wait to see Lover in full-on teacher mode, not to mention experience the buzzing of thought as students question, counter-question, and expound on the topics. Boy, he loves what he does. *enamored sigh* I love that he loves it, which makes up for all the parts I don’t understand about the subjects (I naturally gravitate toward colors, rather than numbers). Watching him in his element is truly a sight for sore eyes and hearts.

| words for today |


+time with loved ones is not to last forever – as the clock ticks, we’ll never have more time to spend together than we do right now.

+blinkety-blank goes the cell phone! almost time to get a new one, I fear…

+Seattle’s Best coffee brand
+grasping for the unknown


there is no mathematics to love and loss

Cost of good manufactured vs. cost of good sold. My fiance knows everything that those two terms mean. Maybe he'll explain them to me for the thirty-seventh time. Economics is, of a certainty, the most important class I'll be auditing regarding the running of a business. I don't know why everyone doesn't think this way in their collegiate endeavors. Knowing how to see the signs of the times has just got to be the quintessential skill in staying ahead of the game / competition, saying nothing to merely staying afloat.

My sister and I had an intriguing time on Friday night. I swear I have no idea how we live in the same city and don't chat more than twice every three months. Reminiscing over movie habits and strange impersonation talents, I realized I'm more comfortable with her than anyone, excepting my lover, but even that is a close contest. Whatever/whomever has inspired me to return to being sociable, I thank you. I'd forgotten what I was missing.

Red velvet + cheesecake + coconut = a decadent mixture of frozen yogurt flavors, in case there was any question. This will become a habit if I don't curb myself.

Being unplugged from one's electronic devices is a marvelous antidote for the "time flies so quickly" blues. It's nice to leave the phone at home, the way it used to be.

| words for today |



+hotel points

+indie films


+kettle corn

+a black eye

+lemon-scented furniture polish


swimming in the marigolds

I used to plant marigold seeds and keep them in the bathroom window. Watching this thing live was a wonder – it bent its tiny stems toward the glass and fairly pressed its leave onto it, like a child looking into a toy store.

My latest horticultural endeavor is merely to provide life support to the miniature rose bush I was given on the 14th. It is staying well-watered, but I’m afraid it’s dying for lack of sunlight. I moved them to the conference room window. Hoping the thorny stems will bend as easily as the marigolds did.

I’ve decided it’s time to buy a bathing suit, and one I love so much I want to wear it all the time under my oxford shirts and everything. A necessary item :: perfect fit. I must not fall out of my bathing suit.

After making a faux budget for my time, it appears I have more time to read than expected. Currently arranging the reading list. Making goals for the year.

Speaking of budgets, I also determined that I can put 777 dollars per month into my savings account. That should be enough for Europe in about 6 months. Plenty of time.

I've got that itch for a meaty theological discussion. A start might be: No more categorizing people via Christianity, folks. It's got to stop. God doesn't separate people out in His head; neither should we. He relates with each one specifically and exactly, and speaks to them accordingly.

Time for weight-lifting.

| words for today |

+always carry a book

+less creamer in my coffee, less sugar

+dresses are so much easier
+tousled updo

+C.S. Lewis


it will happen.

Simplifying. Back to the way things were.

From this week forward, I'll be substituting flats (mini wedges at most) for heels. This decision was not easy. My favorite shoes I own are heels, and now I am denying myself them. My legs could use a better workout, though; the muscles seem to have almost set themselves into the shape my leg makes when a heeled shoe is on my foot, so walking in anything else utilizes a muscle set that hasn't seen action in too long. My combat boots arrived today. They are flat-ish, and caramel-colored.

More flashbacks. At McNellie's, a friend expressed how much he's missed being out, instead of constantly running to and fro without a chance to let loose. "The energy...I love it," he said. I was suddenly prompted to be right there, in that moment. It used to come so naturally. That was before I grew up and had an electric bill.

Somehow the difficulty is lessening...or maybe it's that I'm coming alive to the fact that there is a choice: I don't have to be busy. I will get enough sleep. I will make it to work in the morning. I will get my fashion blog up and running. I will purchase bicycle, camera, etc. But if I become unhappy in the process, what did I gain? More responsibility for these expensive items, and not a moment to love with them.

Life is SO MUCH about being happy. Jesus came to give us life, more abundantly, the whole sh'bang. But what if it's not about the destination to an attempted sense of content, but the adventure-laden journey through? And WHY am I saying these things?! I used to KNOW them, and now I'm trying to re-convince myself. Utterly forgetful. The most important things are at my fingertips every second of every minute.

No more words tonight. Only sighs of relief.


gather yourself, and gain composure. GO!

I feel the pressure to focus my near-uncontainable energy. The mere thought of only doing one thing at a time makes me nervous. The countless things that require my attention - ah! And so nothing gets done, rather than any one particular thing. #counterproductive

Just about decided upon the order of my "Major Purchases List":
i) bicycle
ii) camera
iii) euro trip
iv) motorcycle

The above may change, but I'm working for it not to. Focus! Bicycle.

Last night was pure invigoration, although it could have been made more so with the right dosage of upbeat music (remember for tonight). Weights, the cot, the floor, the weights again. I already feel fitter, and that is no lie. This morning my back/torso felt amazing, and my pencil skirt sat just right around my waist. I can breathe.

Regarding breathing, today I got a taste of what summer will be like, when I can shed all these woolen layers and get into the car, buckle my seatbelt without a strain, and move in my seat. No more fearing the loss of a leather glove. It happened once, and that experience has left me scarred, and slightly bitter at Winter, who asked me to bring the gloves out into the open in the first place. Don't get me wrong - I love my gloves. But the sooner I can leave the accoutrements at home and walk free with the wind in my shirt, the better. That is what this has come to.

HR advice to a Starbucks barista and loved friend. Several dozen glances to the roses on my desk. No runs in the hose. A vintage mother-of-pearl ring. Facial blemishes. Freely-given compliments regarding my "skinny-ness", whatever that is. A sewing machine w/accessories todo gratis from a coworker to whom I'm much obliged. Lover revved the engine at the sight of me walking toward the vehicle. A blogger found, and identified with strongly. Europe plans. Spelling "rapport".

| words for today |
+cable knit sweater + pencil skirt
+idea pad
+"it has to do with you and Me."
+somebody grab me a piano, STAT.
+another piercing will do nicely.
+keep your eye on the ball.


a day for lovers or something

Thank goodness, there were no heart-shaped Russell Stover boxes. Thank God. Small and with class beats expensive and impersonal/cliche/tacky any day, and particularly today. (Well, 2.14, anyway.)

This post was promised, and is now being delivered.

Monetary situations being what they are, at this time in my fiance's life, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. He never fails to surprise with his creativity using limited means; my anticipation was safely placed, I knew. He is such a thinker.

Lunch time came 'round quicker than usual; he picked me up on the south side of my building, the loading zone. The precious look on his face as he handed me a brown paper bag, with telling grease circles on one side...I could have melted just for that. A turtle cheesecake cup.

And then the roses...a bush is so much more than I expected in a floral arrangement, and he told me exactly why. His shot at poetry, drawing parallels between our love and the gift - I spent a while smiling on his first line before finishing the card. The bush is on my desk at the office until it outgrows its spot, and then I get to take it home for transplantation. I pressed pennies into the soil to help it last.

The romance of simplicity was my goal for him that evening. Directly after work, I grabbed his hand and fairly dragged him with delight I could hardly contain to the pace we kept. The gourmet chocolate cafe downtown wasn't very busy, but for a few children helping to clean up after what must have been a V-Day party for little ones. "Choose two", I said to him. Peanut Butter Chocolate Cup and an 85% cocoa truffle (the raspberry truffle would have been his third pick). I ordered two shots of espresso for pairing with the sweets.

The music was nicely subtle, and the children were nicely not. The curl-topped one wanted to be our cashier, and let his balloon fly to the ceiling, and wanted the cafe patrons to know that "that water is dirty; don't drink it". We had a laugh. And yes, a short slow-dance happened.

Dinner needed to be shopped for: yellow sweet onions, aged brie, panna italiana, and garlic cloves (the mushrooms were already stocked at home). [Basil, grapefruit juice, and black spiced rum have yet to be combined for imbibement, but not to worry. I haven't missed a beat yet when it comes to cocktails. I will bartend professionally, elegantly, and with charm someday. He'll join my at my apt this week for the most recent addition to my repertoire, if I pull his leg, or...something.]

The smell of freshly minced garlic will always remind me of him. He cooks with it all the time, and minces like a pro. We won't discuss the occasion of the rash, and the garlic/yogurt/vinegar full-body remedy. At least, until next time we discuss it. He seems to have no qualms with sharing the most incriminating stories of his past - this is admirable in my eyes.

He said the mushroom caramelized onion grilled brie sandwich is in his group of favorites now. I am victorious.

Romance is easily found when one is in love. I dare say, though, that it is more difficult to fall in love when one is a romantic. The expectation of specifics took away a lot from my initial experience with love, and I resisted (albeit reluctantly) in a futile attempt to ensure perfection - "I only want the best", I said. 'God's best', as they say, hung onto my heart like so much seaweed grown upon a precious ocean-covered artifact. I gradually taught the buried heart to swim and to know Love, which is far less peggable than I was taught it should be. I found everything by living. It couldn't have smacked me harder if I ran headlong into it intentionally, with outstretched arms.

My love just happened one day, and I think that is why it is so strong - it grew up without self-help books. It knows, by experience, how to fly.


grit; resolve

Ready for this thing. I need Instagram. Or another such something. A camera would do just as well.

For a good while now, faith [and the active pursuit thereof] has proved a difficult endeavor. But I'm definitely finished looking backward, finished trying to find the precise point where the ship went "off course". No. Instead, I defiantly attribute the last 15 months' seeming "dry season" to be just that :: a season. And killing myself over having a season hasn't been very effective in my new pursuit of pursuit of faith. That is over and done with. I start here & now. This is the same journey I started on when I was 12. I think it's time for me to embrace the fact that it doesn't look like any journey I've ever heard of. <-- That means the journey is mine for the taking and making, which relieves me a little.

Wanderlust has seeped in again...no more procrastinating. Money is money, and there's always more. There is ALWAYS more. The trouble of travel, though, is the need to share the experience with humans. With the fiance in a bit of a debacle with no set end-date, can't really count on his availability. If I really want to have faith, I could just purchase my ticket and wait...see if a miracle happens and obliterates the chains right off of him. As a first plan of action, however, it would appear that I require another traveling buddy (or 3). The destinations on the "potentials" list include (in no particular order):
a) New Zealand
b) Ireland
c) Sweden
d) good ol' Londontown
If interested, please respond.

I'll be writing about Valentine's Day shortly; there's conniving to do in the meantime.

| words for today |
+locate traveling buddy(ies)
+romance in the unlikeliest of places
+v-day still burns in my memory like a perpetual hot coal
+research places
+for the making & taking, my faith is mine.
+definitely need a best red bright lipstick
+handmade jewelry :: donated
+water for elephants


nothing is granted

Tonight, I find myself sad. My favorite texture-dotted Madewell stockings have been torn. They've been good to me, no doubt about that...all of their 3-week life. My chest feels at war between utter despair at their loss [no, that was not sarcastic or over-dramatized in the slightest], and a calming peace that 'nothing is granted'. I can't guarantee that any of my worldly possessions will still be in my possession tomorrow, and accordingly need to stop fooling myself into believing I have any control over the fate of my "treasures". Truth :: There will always be more stockings - just a click away.

Thoughts have danced in my head all day today, stealing attention from that which rightly deserves it -- the reception area of the firm. Said thoughts have consisted mostly of light-hearted conversations from last night, about nothing that I can remember...excepting the one on inflation and its causes/consequences on the world at large, as well as the spontaneous analogy explaining the difference between dark-roast and bold, concerning coffee. I'm still rather proud of myself for that one. In addition to revelations about economics y café, the house feels o-so-open now that boxes have been put into storage, the guest cot has been folded and packed away, and dust dinosaurs have been aborted. How did I know tequila would be such a strong motivator to clean/organize? I do know that two of the cakes got ordered today for the firm's monthly birthday shindig, and the other two are pending approval. This small productivity likely transpired due to the fact that my mind was already consumed with thoughts of merry-making.

Small miracle for today :: My sister randomly stopped by where I was seated with coffee, watched my Madewell stockings rip open, and decided to hand me cash to buy a new pair. The pain of loss is almost completely diminished, and definitely is seen now for what it truly is :: a temporary inconvenience.

| words for today |
+tequila & garlic crab sauté
+road names
+regret should hurt, then shove you in the right direction and disappear forever.
+dark plaids & coveralls


over-thunk, under-estimated

This is my shot at exposition - for myself, rather than anyone else. Not much standing in the way now... I've even stripped my blog of its vibrance and given it the gift of bareness. Colors call to soil, moss, and tree sap, slathered onto the empty canvas where my thoughts spill, coagulate, break.

Funny how one can search for months upon months for inspiration/motivation, and find it in an instant. So here I am.

I'm glad to be writing again. Hullo, planet.

| words for today |
+wispy hair
+filled with another's joy
+sometimes adventure hurts at first
+take this seriously

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